i am troubled.

troubled because all i see are mental christians. people who internalize their convictions into beliefs and ideologies, never allowing them to take root in their life. never overcoming their fear of man, fear of rejection and failure. fear of breaking comfort, thinking that comfort is the source of joy. thinking thoughts of possibility and option rather than those of willingness and intention. why is God so hypothetical in our lives? we indulge in our knowledge of God and feel good when we can have deep conversations about him, but He is not manifest through our lives.

yet i confess that most of all, i am troubled by the man in the mirror.

jesus, help me to live out my convictions.

dreams of memories or memories of dreams?

sometimes, i'll have a recollection of a memory, only to realize after a brief moment of confusion that the memory is of a dream that i'd forgotten about.

recently, i dreamt that my father came back into our lives.

or maybe, i dreamt of a time when our family was one.

realization: i'm a man full of problems.

well i already knew this, but i am finding the details of my flaws and how difficult they are to fix. whoever has to deal with me in life... will have to be a really good human being. hopefully i can become one too.

but as for the new year, i am wide-eyed with excitement. i'm pointing towards the horizon and i'm filled with both anticipation and fear. and no matter how badly i might want to avoid it, time will take me there to reveal what lies beyond everything i see.