yames.

i'm not sure if this is what scholars and theologians have to say about it (not that it has to be to validate what i say), but when i read the book of James, what i saw was a physical illustration of faith. i believe faith is not a mere concept or a thought - it's the breathing out of the knowledge and convictions we so gluttonously inhale. faith lives in the form of perseverance and victory, in humility and wisdom, in good deeds, in submission, in prayer, and in love. it says that faith is dead without deeds just as the body without the spirit is dead. deeds are the spirit of faith, and this leads me to believe that the existence of faith is more dependent on deeds than the other way around. because it's easy to speak and not do, but an action speaks for itself. and this isn't to say that deeds save our souls, but it definitely salvages our faith from the abstract to the concrete.

in self-examination, i used to always wonder: if i were a mute, would my faith be visible? if i had not been granted the liberty of words, would i still be able to express my faith? and as you can imagine, this is a sobering, and potentially even discouraging, process. because all the things i say i believe are buried under my life of self-indulgence.

and in the context of physical manifestations, self-indulgence sounds a lot worse than what it can look like. i can easily assume that most moments of our lives are spent satisfying our simple desires that may not be blatantly evil. but the fact is that we are constantly indulging in our desires, from shallow to deep, simple to evil, justifying everything along the way to save ourselves from a guilty conscience.

so with all that said, the book of James is a double-edged sword. a book of challenging convictions. pride in high and rich positions? favoritism? friendship with the world? taking the weight of my own words lightly? we don't even have to go any further- count me guilty.

and so all of this takes me to a passage, one of the few that i have written upon my heart:

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2P 1:5-11)

i believe in the importance of making sure of my salvation. not just by experiencing feel-good emotions and claiming that our lives have been changed. but to add to that all these things, and in doing so, saving my faith from idleness and ineffectiveness. and not in a legalistic way, but the way Jesus did it. raw and honest, passionate yet gentle, humble yet authoritative, and ultimately, loving. our eyes need to be opened, rather than to adjust to the darkness.

life is ______.

i think any adjective can fill that blank appropriately,

but today, the word is

...

tough.

life is tough.

but tomorrow is a new day. new hope! a new adjective to fill that blank, hopefully one antithetical to today's.

meaninglessful blabber.

a lot of times i start thinking about spirituality, and in many of those many times, i come to conclusions that i wouldn't fully be comfortable sharing with people. things that i know are true in my heart but i fear people may not understand because some of us are just wired differently. and this is not to say that i'm better and deeper of a person (although i admit i used to think this way for awhile); its just that i know none of us are made to fully understand each other. we were created in His image, so it only makes sense that we are endowed with a level of mystery.

i believe that sometimes, many times, we imagine God. and what i mean is this: when i was 7 years old and i had learned about God for the first time, i pictured him in my mind as one of those old asian emperor folk that you see on korean currency (pretty absurd, i know; i also thought that God and Mary were married... though i don't know what i made of Joseph). but it's silly to imagine God when he's not imaginary.

as a 7 year old, i had naturally assigned God to some form or image that worked for me. and though not as blatantly misleading, i feel that i still do this dangerous act of recklessly assigning God to things. i fit Him into a shape, boundaries that conveniently help me understand (or think i understand) who He is; or even just to make Him convenient altogether. i catch myself calling His name far too often in small moments of desperation, like when i'm frustrated about finding a job, or a parking spot, or when i know i'm speeding and don't want to get caught. it's so instantaneous, like how aladdin constantly called up genie as a last resort. but where is He when i'm busy spending time with my friends? when i'm sinning? do i still call Him then? it's like i want to choose when i'm with and not with God, forgetting that He dwells within me.

what's even worse than this childish habit, to me, is that i confuse my thoughts and beliefs with God's. christians seem far too clumsy with throwing God around to legitimize things like our political beliefs, our morals, our habits, our "christian biases" that can often translate as discrimination and/or ignorance. this isn't to say that God shouldn't influence our beliefs and morals - it's actually pretty important for us to try to mimic Christ. but is God controlling us, or are we trying to control God?

and this is one of those thoughts that i would hesitate to share, because it leads me to wonder about the realistic possibility that God can be a psychological security blanket for uncertainties and emptiness people feel in their heart. and this frightens me and shakes my faith, because i know many atheists are what they are because of thought processes such as this.

but this is why God is relational. if the Bible was simply a book of do's and don't's, all this thinking would've eaten me alive. if it wasn't a testimony of God's love, it wouldn't captivate us. and if i couldn't recall a single moment of intimate interaction with God, i would bend and break.

but to understand God's love... that it's impossible to understand. it actually makes more sense than the rules and guidelines we come up with.

(untitled)

i can walk,

i can walk across this desert land

i can swim,

i can swim up this waterfall;

but will i find you there?

will i find you there?

i can cry,

i can cry into the starry night

i can crawl back,

i can crawl back to where i began;

but will i find you there?

Lord will i find you there?

misunderstandings.

they are often times the root of all enmities- arguments, malice, aversions.. wars. sometimes we just lack the ability to understand completely. and maybe the root of that is ourselves.. our selfish natures. its our own hands that cover our eyes and keep us from seeing. we were born to be fools, no matter how wise.

everyone seems to agree with peace. some even fight for it with their lives. but tell me, how can peace be achieved when we don't even know what it is? when we can't even keep peace with our neighbors? with ourselves?

i'm a believer, but a practitioner? not quite. not yet? i hope so.

it's getting harder and harder to be close with people. i miss it.

shadows

its creeping in again. i thought i had overcome it, but today i couldn't budge out of my seat, couldn't utter a word.

apathy is a scary thing.

mysteries. everyone.

if only we knew.

i need to feel again. i was afraid, but God i think i'm ready now. not only for the sake of my music; for the sake of You. and me in You.

i won't cave in this time.

birdcage religion.

so slowly I'm losing
who I've sworn to be.
a promise in pencil
that years have made so hard to read.
I've spent my life building walls
brick by brick and bruise by bruise.
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep.

time is spinning silk
that coils ruthlessly;
with the devil's patience,
it binds my hands so quietly
that soon it becomes a part of me.

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie
and help me remember
the hope that i have compromised;
please be a broken record for me.

(sleeping at last)

a thief in the night!

except, it wasn't Jesus, it was just that. a thief.

i was angry, and with good reason. anybody in my shoes would have responded with bitterness, confusion and a yearning for vengeance, for justice. i wished to know who it was, and i wanted him to be found, to be punished. i'm usually not one to ask God the "why?" sort of questions, but this time i could not help but wonder. i thought i had learned my lesson from dealing with theft already earlier this year. so this struck me as a little ridiculous, a little too far. how did this even happen? what is there to even gain from this? to learn a lesson? this was definitely pushing the envelope for life lessons. too costly for an epiphanous experience, if you ask me.

the truth is- i didn't have one. there was no deep, fulfilling lesson to be uncovered from this; maybe a little self-control over my temperament at best, but no life-changing light-bulb moment that made up for the value of my loss. my laptop is still gone, and i still want it back. i still want the thief to be found, and i want our belongings returned. but i did remember this: "culture of entitlement." we are living in a culture of entitlement. and i saw how deeply i have been poisoned by this ideology. i am entitled to justice; i am entitled to anger and hate under such circumstances. even the idea of theft is based on this notion of entitlement - that i am robbed of what i had been entitled to.

and you know, this may be true. ownership is not intangible. in this country it is, or can be for the most part, measured and defined by exchange of currency and monetary values: i paid for it, and therefore it belonged to me. i earned it, the thief didn't. yet in the same way, Jesus lived his life never receiving what he truly deserved. self-entitlement, whether deserving or not, was ultimately not of much value to him. and that opens grace. it opens love. but instead, in my self-entitlement, i reacted in hate- murder in sheep's clothing.

entitlement is not completely false. that's why we're called to deny ourselves. to expect something in return to balance out my loss would defeat the purpose of... a loss. and in a way, i guess there's a reason why it says that He gives and takes away, instead of the other way around. if He always took and gave, it would be easy. but He took away. it did suck, and it still sucks. i haven't received anything as reimbursement, and i'm still bitter about the loss. i want my computer back. but this was the silent response to my "why?" question. yet entitlement is also not always true. am i entitled to grace and love? the fulfillment of hope?

maybe. but we are all thieves in the night. and yet while we as earthly thieves take to gain and steal and make things even, Love came, and will come, to rob us of our pains and shortcomings.