to own a dragon

the process of facing your demons is hardly enjoyable, but it heals. and that's all i ask.

compassion.

i've been thinking about what the appropriate response would be to the current crisis in japan, or any other event like it.

it's difficult, because a part of you might eagerly wish to be able to go and help right away, and your inability can make you feel useless and apprehensive. yet there is the conflicting understanding that we are just one being, that God doesn't need me specifically to do His work. it takes a level of faith and humility to be at ease and trust in the providence of God to be at work, even without our participation. but this can cripple our compassion and cause us to detach ourselves from the situation and not be moved into any action at all.

there is also the division amongst people about why it happens. some say it's God's wrath and judgment upon a people, others just hope it can be an opportune door towards a spiritual awakening. some are afraid to involve God at all, brushing it off as a work of nature, independent of any influential force.


sometimes things like this overwhelm me, but one thing is for certain:

i was at school, walking to the library. it seemed like every japanese student at our school was out there, trying to gather funds to donate to the crisis. passersby were giving here and there, but as i neared the library there were two men, both picket-preachers, arguing intensely about their beliefs, condemning each other.. and they had attracted a massive crowd, mostly amused by and mocking the pathetic sight of two preachers fighting and delegitimizing each other in the process. and as soon as i walked passed the crowd, there was yet another group trying to gather funds for japan. but they were like ghosts, eclipsed by the draw of the arguing preachers.
i couldn't help but feel embarrassed. there was something bigger and more important at hand, but people were more interested in listening to people fighting, just for the sake of ridiculing them. many Americans' sympathies were quickly overtaken, being more concerned about the possibility of a similar disaster happening to us. apathy. self-centeredness. it's just a fragment of the epidemic in our privileged nation.


we need compassion. we need empathy. we need to literally feel for the pains of others just as Jesus did. it's a product of love. and out of that, we need to act in love and be faithful to whatever opportunity God gives us, even if it's just donating money. what we think God's intentions are is irrelevant. we're just called to live out His love, and that is through the laying down of our lives.. and that does not just entail death. to step into someone else's shoes, to consider others before oneself, and to understand that what we do unto them, Jesus takes personally... and even then, we must also understand that it is not just for physical needs we must gain compassion for, but for the lost. that we would mourn more for the souls that were lost more than those who lost their material possessions. You did not mourn for Job, but You ran after the lost sheep. open our eyes God, and open our hearts. to Your kingdom.

the image of the invisible.

maybe the invisibility of our faith is reflective of the way we think of Jesus.

i know we can't literally see or feel him, but the fact is that he was a real man, flesh and bones. and the sooner we embrace the reality of Jesus, the sooner we will be moved into real faith.

he showed his love for us to the world, and we are called to do the same.

i am troubled.

troubled because all i see are mental christians. people who internalize their convictions into beliefs and ideologies, never allowing them to take root in their life. never overcoming their fear of man, fear of rejection and failure. fear of breaking comfort, thinking that comfort is the source of joy. thinking thoughts of possibility and option rather than those of willingness and intention. why is God so hypothetical in our lives? we indulge in our knowledge of God and feel good when we can have deep conversations about him, but He is not manifest through our lives.

yet i confess that most of all, i am troubled by the man in the mirror.

jesus, help me to live out my convictions.

dreams of memories or memories of dreams?

sometimes, i'll have a recollection of a memory, only to realize after a brief moment of confusion that the memory is of a dream that i'd forgotten about.

recently, i dreamt that my father came back into our lives.

or maybe, i dreamt of a time when our family was one.

realization: i'm a man full of problems.

well i already knew this, but i am finding the details of my flaws and how difficult they are to fix. whoever has to deal with me in life... will have to be a really good human being. hopefully i can become one too.

but as for the new year, i am wide-eyed with excitement. i'm pointing towards the horizon and i'm filled with both anticipation and fear. and no matter how badly i might want to avoid it, time will take me there to reveal what lies beyond everything i see.

yames.

i'm not sure if this is what scholars and theologians have to say about it (not that it has to be to validate what i say), but when i read the book of James, what i saw was a physical illustration of faith. i believe faith is not a mere concept or a thought - it's the breathing out of the knowledge and convictions we so gluttonously inhale. faith lives in the form of perseverance and victory, in humility and wisdom, in good deeds, in submission, in prayer, and in love. it says that faith is dead without deeds just as the body without the spirit is dead. deeds are the spirit of faith, and this leads me to believe that the existence of faith is more dependent on deeds than the other way around. because it's easy to speak and not do, but an action speaks for itself. and this isn't to say that deeds save our souls, but it definitely salvages our faith from the abstract to the concrete.

in self-examination, i used to always wonder: if i were a mute, would my faith be visible? if i had not been granted the liberty of words, would i still be able to express my faith? and as you can imagine, this is a sobering, and potentially even discouraging, process. because all the things i say i believe are buried under my life of self-indulgence.

and in the context of physical manifestations, self-indulgence sounds a lot worse than what it can look like. i can easily assume that most moments of our lives are spent satisfying our simple desires that may not be blatantly evil. but the fact is that we are constantly indulging in our desires, from shallow to deep, simple to evil, justifying everything along the way to save ourselves from a guilty conscience.

so with all that said, the book of James is a double-edged sword. a book of challenging convictions. pride in high and rich positions? favoritism? friendship with the world? taking the weight of my own words lightly? we don't even have to go any further- count me guilty.

and so all of this takes me to a passage, one of the few that i have written upon my heart:

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2P 1:5-11)

i believe in the importance of making sure of my salvation. not just by experiencing feel-good emotions and claiming that our lives have been changed. but to add to that all these things, and in doing so, saving my faith from idleness and ineffectiveness. and not in a legalistic way, but the way Jesus did it. raw and honest, passionate yet gentle, humble yet authoritative, and ultimately, loving. our eyes need to be opened, rather than to adjust to the darkness.