humility.

Humility is put to the test when faced with disrespect. When we feel cheated, do we react in arrogance to defend and prove our worth? or do we take a step back and realize that we have decided to place our worth in Christ? Because meekness is not to accept the mistreatment we receive as something deserved, but it is simply reacting in love and forgiveness. Even when we feel cheated or hurt by God, it sheds light upon our selfish pride that keeps us from living a life of complete abandonment. How will we carry a cross in the midst of persecution and tribulations if we are without humility?

Our self-worth is established and defended not through pride, but humility. That's where Jesus is.

bottomless fountains

sometimes, when I come to a deeper understanding of a certain truth, I'm even more overjoyed knowing that at some point, I will encounter another epiphany that will take me even deeper into that truth.

and every epiphany will come to completion in heaven. what we know of love, glory, peace, worship, beauty, freedom, purpose... life. of the why's and what's and how's, of God, of Jesus, of the Holy Spirit. it will all come together. in perfection. it's unimaginable. I can't wait..!

fear of man.

i was thinking about how eager i get to share good music with friends- how i massively (and illegally) send songs to all my friends that might enjoy it. and it's the same with good food, or a good movie, or close friend that we want to introduce to another close friend. any pleasant experience we have, we naturally feel the desire to share it. and in these situations, i am not discouraged, or caused to question my identity, or feel insecure and rejected when they don't accept it like i do.

i realize it's because these things ultimately do not define me. and in this sense it helps me understand the fear that arises when i want to share Christ, because He gives me my identity. and because its a matter of life and death, rejection means a lot more in sharing the gospel than in sharing a good song. yet, regardless of this fear, it remains that we are compelled to share these things because they stir us up. good things are meant to be shared, and when we like something, we want others to be able to enjoy it too. "IT MUST BE MADE KNOWN." that's my natural reaction to things that excite me. so where is this fervor for the gospel?

the fear. the crippling fear of man. we think Christians need to remain "relevant" in this day and age, to stay politically correct and we scorn those who step on other people's feet in the name of Jesus, thinking they are misrepresenting the love of God.
i'm still not sure, but Jesus stepped on feet wherever he went. the task of balancing gentleness and love without compromising the integrity of God and our faith in Him is a tall one to be sure, but we cannot be afraid of persecution. sometimes these things just become excuses for us to avoid persecution as Christians, but do you realize that it's a part of our calling? we shouldn't be out there trying to piss people off and feel content with causing and feeding a hatred toward God wherever we go, but likewise we shouldn't be trying so hard to please people. moreover, we should be concerned with the very fact that there is a rebellious hatred toward God around us, and we should act in hopes of shedding light onto that darkness. we are to serve people, but the service of utmost importance is to share with them the gospel, whether they receive or not.

so why do we work to gain approval from the eyes of man at the cost of our integrity before God? do we really fear the opinions of man more than the truth of God? to dignify ourselves to the world means to reject the things of God, because Christ was rejected in this world all the same and has called us to turn from the patterns of this world and to follow, to imitate Christ. and to imitate Christ means fellowship, but it also means persecution. a sense of authority, which first requires full obedience and surrender. and ultimately, love that is completely externalized and directed outward, not inwardly toward ourselves. peter rejoiced and praised God after he faced a kind of persecution that makes our simple encounters of rejection seem so trivial. why are we so worried about what a stranger thinks of us? they don't throw stones or spit on us, throw us in jail or.. crucify us. what or whom shall we fear?


...The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear!?!?

to own a dragon

the process of facing your demons is hardly enjoyable, but it heals. and that's all i ask.

compassion.

i've been thinking about what the appropriate response would be to the current crisis in japan, or any other event like it.

it's difficult, because a part of you might eagerly wish to be able to go and help right away, and your inability can make you feel useless and apprehensive. yet there is the conflicting understanding that we are just one being, that God doesn't need me specifically to do His work. it takes a level of faith and humility to be at ease and trust in the providence of God to be at work, even without our participation. but this can cripple our compassion and cause us to detach ourselves from the situation and not be moved into any action at all.

there is also the division amongst people about why it happens. some say it's God's wrath and judgment upon a people, others just hope it can be an opportune door towards a spiritual awakening. some are afraid to involve God at all, brushing it off as a work of nature, independent of any influential force.


sometimes things like this overwhelm me, but one thing is for certain:

i was at school, walking to the library. it seemed like every japanese student at our school was out there, trying to gather funds to donate to the crisis. passersby were giving here and there, but as i neared the library there were two men, both picket-preachers, arguing intensely about their beliefs, condemning each other.. and they had attracted a massive crowd, mostly amused by and mocking the pathetic sight of two preachers fighting and delegitimizing each other in the process. and as soon as i walked passed the crowd, there was yet another group trying to gather funds for japan. but they were like ghosts, eclipsed by the draw of the arguing preachers.
i couldn't help but feel embarrassed. there was something bigger and more important at hand, but people were more interested in listening to people fighting, just for the sake of ridiculing them. many Americans' sympathies were quickly overtaken, being more concerned about the possibility of a similar disaster happening to us. apathy. self-centeredness. it's just a fragment of the epidemic in our privileged nation.


we need compassion. we need empathy. we need to literally feel for the pains of others just as Jesus did. it's a product of love. and out of that, we need to act in love and be faithful to whatever opportunity God gives us, even if it's just donating money. what we think God's intentions are is irrelevant. we're just called to live out His love, and that is through the laying down of our lives.. and that does not just entail death. to step into someone else's shoes, to consider others before oneself, and to understand that what we do unto them, Jesus takes personally... and even then, we must also understand that it is not just for physical needs we must gain compassion for, but for the lost. that we would mourn more for the souls that were lost more than those who lost their material possessions. You did not mourn for Job, but You ran after the lost sheep. open our eyes God, and open our hearts. to Your kingdom.

the image of the invisible.

maybe the invisibility of our faith is reflective of the way we think of Jesus.

i know we can't literally see or feel him, but the fact is that he was a real man, flesh and bones. and the sooner we embrace the reality of Jesus, the sooner we will be moved into real faith.

he showed his love for us to the world, and we are called to do the same.

i am troubled.

troubled because all i see are mental christians. people who internalize their convictions into beliefs and ideologies, never allowing them to take root in their life. never overcoming their fear of man, fear of rejection and failure. fear of breaking comfort, thinking that comfort is the source of joy. thinking thoughts of possibility and option rather than those of willingness and intention. why is God so hypothetical in our lives? we indulge in our knowledge of God and feel good when we can have deep conversations about him, but He is not manifest through our lives.

yet i confess that most of all, i am troubled by the man in the mirror.

jesus, help me to live out my convictions.

dreams of memories or memories of dreams?

sometimes, i'll have a recollection of a memory, only to realize after a brief moment of confusion that the memory is of a dream that i'd forgotten about.

recently, i dreamt that my father came back into our lives.

or maybe, i dreamt of a time when our family was one.

realization: i'm a man full of problems.

well i already knew this, but i am finding the details of my flaws and how difficult they are to fix. whoever has to deal with me in life... will have to be a really good human being. hopefully i can become one too.

but as for the new year, i am wide-eyed with excitement. i'm pointing towards the horizon and i'm filled with both anticipation and fear. and no matter how badly i might want to avoid it, time will take me there to reveal what lies beyond everything i see.

yames.

i'm not sure if this is what scholars and theologians have to say about it (not that it has to be to validate what i say), but when i read the book of James, what i saw was a physical illustration of faith. i believe faith is not a mere concept or a thought - it's the breathing out of the knowledge and convictions we so gluttonously inhale. faith lives in the form of perseverance and victory, in humility and wisdom, in good deeds, in submission, in prayer, and in love. it says that faith is dead without deeds just as the body without the spirit is dead. deeds are the spirit of faith, and this leads me to believe that the existence of faith is more dependent on deeds than the other way around. because it's easy to speak and not do, but an action speaks for itself. and this isn't to say that deeds save our souls, but it definitely salvages our faith from the abstract to the concrete.

in self-examination, i used to always wonder: if i were a mute, would my faith be visible? if i had not been granted the liberty of words, would i still be able to express my faith? and as you can imagine, this is a sobering, and potentially even discouraging, process. because all the things i say i believe are buried under my life of self-indulgence.

and in the context of physical manifestations, self-indulgence sounds a lot worse than what it can look like. i can easily assume that most moments of our lives are spent satisfying our simple desires that may not be blatantly evil. but the fact is that we are constantly indulging in our desires, from shallow to deep, simple to evil, justifying everything along the way to save ourselves from a guilty conscience.

so with all that said, the book of James is a double-edged sword. a book of challenging convictions. pride in high and rich positions? favoritism? friendship with the world? taking the weight of my own words lightly? we don't even have to go any further- count me guilty.

and so all of this takes me to a passage, one of the few that i have written upon my heart:

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (2P 1:5-11)

i believe in the importance of making sure of my salvation. not just by experiencing feel-good emotions and claiming that our lives have been changed. but to add to that all these things, and in doing so, saving my faith from idleness and ineffectiveness. and not in a legalistic way, but the way Jesus did it. raw and honest, passionate yet gentle, humble yet authoritative, and ultimately, loving. our eyes need to be opened, rather than to adjust to the darkness.

life is ______.

i think any adjective can fill that blank appropriately,

but today, the word is

...

tough.

life is tough.

but tomorrow is a new day. new hope! a new adjective to fill that blank, hopefully one antithetical to today's.

meaninglessful blabber.

a lot of times i start thinking about spirituality, and in many of those many times, i come to conclusions that i wouldn't fully be comfortable sharing with people. things that i know are true in my heart but i fear people may not understand because some of us are just wired differently. and this is not to say that i'm better and deeper of a person (although i admit i used to think this way for awhile); its just that i know none of us are made to fully understand each other. we were created in His image, so it only makes sense that we are endowed with a level of mystery.

i believe that sometimes, many times, we imagine God. and what i mean is this: when i was 7 years old and i had learned about God for the first time, i pictured him in my mind as one of those old asian emperor folk that you see on korean currency (pretty absurd, i know; i also thought that God and Mary were married... though i don't know what i made of Joseph). but it's silly to imagine God when he's not imaginary.

as a 7 year old, i had naturally assigned God to some form or image that worked for me. and though not as blatantly misleading, i feel that i still do this dangerous act of recklessly assigning God to things. i fit Him into a shape, boundaries that conveniently help me understand (or think i understand) who He is; or even just to make Him convenient altogether. i catch myself calling His name far too often in small moments of desperation, like when i'm frustrated about finding a job, or a parking spot, or when i know i'm speeding and don't want to get caught. it's so instantaneous, like how aladdin constantly called up genie as a last resort. but where is He when i'm busy spending time with my friends? when i'm sinning? do i still call Him then? it's like i want to choose when i'm with and not with God, forgetting that He dwells within me.

what's even worse than this childish habit, to me, is that i confuse my thoughts and beliefs with God's. christians seem far too clumsy with throwing God around to legitimize things like our political beliefs, our morals, our habits, our "christian biases" that can often translate as discrimination and/or ignorance. this isn't to say that God shouldn't influence our beliefs and morals - it's actually pretty important for us to try to mimic Christ. but is God controlling us, or are we trying to control God?

and this is one of those thoughts that i would hesitate to share, because it leads me to wonder about the realistic possibility that God can be a psychological security blanket for uncertainties and emptiness people feel in their heart. and this frightens me and shakes my faith, because i know many atheists are what they are because of thought processes such as this.

but this is why God is relational. if the Bible was simply a book of do's and don't's, all this thinking would've eaten me alive. if it wasn't a testimony of God's love, it wouldn't captivate us. and if i couldn't recall a single moment of intimate interaction with God, i would bend and break.

but to understand God's love... that it's impossible to understand. it actually makes more sense than the rules and guidelines we come up with.

(untitled)

i can walk,

i can walk across this desert land

i can swim,

i can swim up this waterfall;

but will i find you there?

will i find you there?

i can cry,

i can cry into the starry night

i can crawl back,

i can crawl back to where i began;

but will i find you there?

Lord will i find you there?

misunderstandings.

they are often times the root of all enmities- arguments, malice, aversions.. wars. sometimes we just lack the ability to understand completely. and maybe the root of that is ourselves.. our selfish natures. its our own hands that cover our eyes and keep us from seeing. we were born to be fools, no matter how wise.

everyone seems to agree with peace. some even fight for it with their lives. but tell me, how can peace be achieved when we don't even know what it is? when we can't even keep peace with our neighbors? with ourselves?

i'm a believer, but a practitioner? not quite. not yet? i hope so.

it's getting harder and harder to be close with people. i miss it.

shadows

its creeping in again. i thought i had overcome it, but today i couldn't budge out of my seat, couldn't utter a word.

apathy is a scary thing.

mysteries. everyone.

if only we knew.

i need to feel again. i was afraid, but God i think i'm ready now. not only for the sake of my music; for the sake of You. and me in You.

i won't cave in this time.

birdcage religion.

so slowly I'm losing
who I've sworn to be.
a promise in pencil
that years have made so hard to read.
I've spent my life building walls
brick by brick and bruise by bruise.
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep.

time is spinning silk
that coils ruthlessly;
with the devil's patience,
it binds my hands so quietly
that soon it becomes a part of me.

so soften these edges and straighten out my tie
and help me remember
the hope that i have compromised;
please be a broken record for me.

(sleeping at last)

a thief in the night!

except, it wasn't Jesus, it was just that. a thief.

i was angry, and with good reason. anybody in my shoes would have responded with bitterness, confusion and a yearning for vengeance, for justice. i wished to know who it was, and i wanted him to be found, to be punished. i'm usually not one to ask God the "why?" sort of questions, but this time i could not help but wonder. i thought i had learned my lesson from dealing with theft already earlier this year. so this struck me as a little ridiculous, a little too far. how did this even happen? what is there to even gain from this? to learn a lesson? this was definitely pushing the envelope for life lessons. too costly for an epiphanous experience, if you ask me.

the truth is- i didn't have one. there was no deep, fulfilling lesson to be uncovered from this; maybe a little self-control over my temperament at best, but no life-changing light-bulb moment that made up for the value of my loss. my laptop is still gone, and i still want it back. i still want the thief to be found, and i want our belongings returned. but i did remember this: "culture of entitlement." we are living in a culture of entitlement. and i saw how deeply i have been poisoned by this ideology. i am entitled to justice; i am entitled to anger and hate under such circumstances. even the idea of theft is based on this notion of entitlement - that i am robbed of what i had been entitled to.

and you know, this may be true. ownership is not intangible. in this country it is, or can be for the most part, measured and defined by exchange of currency and monetary values: i paid for it, and therefore it belonged to me. i earned it, the thief didn't. yet in the same way, Jesus lived his life never receiving what he truly deserved. self-entitlement, whether deserving or not, was ultimately not of much value to him. and that opens grace. it opens love. but instead, in my self-entitlement, i reacted in hate- murder in sheep's clothing.

entitlement is not completely false. that's why we're called to deny ourselves. to expect something in return to balance out my loss would defeat the purpose of... a loss. and in a way, i guess there's a reason why it says that He gives and takes away, instead of the other way around. if He always took and gave, it would be easy. but He took away. it did suck, and it still sucks. i haven't received anything as reimbursement, and i'm still bitter about the loss. i want my computer back. but this was the silent response to my "why?" question. yet entitlement is also not always true. am i entitled to grace and love? the fulfillment of hope?

maybe. but we are all thieves in the night. and yet while we as earthly thieves take to gain and steal and make things even, Love came, and will come, to rob us of our pains and shortcomings.